Kids have Christmas, I have the Oscars. It is truly one of my favorite days of the year. I put on my best yoga pants, pour myself a bottle of wine, and ignore my children for hours so I can judge celebrities who ignore their children on a daily basis. It’s a beautiful, beautiful experience.
And it’s also the day where my fingers hurt from tweeting so much sarcasm.
So if you weren’t able to follow along on Twitter, I’ve collected a few of my tweets that received the most “likes” so you can keep the fun of Oscars alive for a few days longer…
“I’m going to start a foundation to help provide ham sandwiches to starving celebrities.”
“When I see scenes from Gravity, I think how awesome it would be to be out in space for a bit without any Goldfish to clean up.”
“Kerry Washington & I could have been twins when I was pregnant. Other than her looking stunning and not leaking through her spanx.”
“It would be awesome to do red carpet commentary for preschool drop off. We could say who made our yoga pants & where our parkas are from.”
“Jared Leto – you covered mother love, political unrest and AIDS. Man, enjoy all the women falling at your feet tonight.”
“Frozen won Best Animated Feature which is almost as surprising as a husband telling a wife he’d like a blow job for his birthday.”
“FU Charlize Theron. That’s all I have to say to you. I look just like that under my sweats and beige bra.”
“Oh Goldie Hawn, I love you but your face hasn’t moved once since you started talking. Are you happy/sad/anger/constipated? I can’t tell.”
“That pizza guy that was on the Oscars is truly the only pizza guy getting laid tonight.”
“I can’t help but think Pink would have slapped Dorothy & told her to figure out how to go home without asking for the help of a man.”
“Matthew McConaughey – proof that you can smoke pot in your 20’s and still be successful later in life. Alright, alright, alright.”