Martinis and Minivans

A Mommy Blog

My advice to bloggers…

I received an email last week from a blogger who was looking for advice. She was filling her favorites bar on her computer with all sorts of articles on editorial calendars, writing prompts, and things to “help” a blogger. She was overwhelmed and unsure how to keep her head above water.

To me, the answer was simple.

Just write.

It’s so easy to get caught up in the business of blogging – and that’s not such a bad thing at times – but in the end it’s about one thing – what you write. So yes, take the time to learn the business things, but when you are feeling overwhelmed and unsure of where to go – do what you did in the beginning – write.

Here’s the truth. I don’t have an editorial calendar. I don’t know what I’m going to write about each week. Do you know why? Because then I wouldn’t be authentic. For the type of blog I have, I believe authenticity is key. I write about what’s happening in my life right now. I write and hope that there’s something there you can either relate to or laugh your ass off about – or maybe, sometimes, even both.

So my advice to bloggers? Just write. If you can plan, great. If you can’t – don’t sweat it. Just be real and write about what you love. And if you don’t love it – don’t write about it. Readers can see through fake faster than Miley Cyrus can take her clothes off and jump on construction equipment.

So just write.

If You Give A Mom A Cocktail…

You know that book “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie?”

I was challenged by a friend to come up with my own version. Mine is called, “If You Give A Mom A Cocktail”

I’m not a children’s book author or anything, but I think I might be on to something here…

IF YOU GIVE A MOM A COCKTAIL

If you give a mom a cocktail, she’s going to want crackers to go with it.

If you give her crackers, she is going to want cheese on top of them.

If you give her cheese, she’s going to want chocolate to compliment it.

If you give her chocolate, she’s going to want to watch reality tv.

If you give her reality tv, she’s going to want a blanket.

If you give her a blanket, she’s going to want a pillow.

If you give her a pillow, she’s going to want a bedtime snack.

And if you give her a bedtime snack, chances are she’ll want a cocktail to drink with it.

Thanksgiving Crafts I’m Not Smart Enough To Make

If you’ve been reading the blog for awhile, you know that I start to twitch and back away slowly at the sight of crafts. I can do some basic things like make a snail out of Play Doh (hey, that took me two hours to figure out), but beyond that, I’m craft-intolerant. So Pinterest to me is like a bad reminder of all the things I’m not smart enough to make.

With that in mind, I thought I would share a few Thanksgiving crafts I found that made me say, “How the heck would I actually make that?”

1. “Simple Thanksgiving Wreath” by Adorable You

In order to make this, I’d first have to get a subscription to a newspaper.

Second, I’d have to find time to actually read that newspaper and figure out what stories would make good wreath material.

Then, I’d have to buy an old fashioned bag of potatoes to get that burlap bow.

On top of that, where’s the strands of the bow? How did they magically disappear?

And last, I don’t think I could write the letters that neatly even if I was back in school with that gray lined paper we all used.

However, I feel very confident that I could glue all of the letters to the wreath. Except if I used a glue gun. Nothing good comes from a glue gun and my fingers.

2. “Light Bulb Turkey” – Crafts by Amanda

Uh, this one just looks painful to me. First, I’d have to capture two birds. One with red feather and one with orange. Considering that most birds have migrated to Florida for the winter, this is going to be really tricky.

Second, I’d have to figure out how to take out the energy efficient light bulbs out of the lamp. I always forget to let them cool before taking them out so I’m pretty sure I would burn my fingers.

Next, I would have to cut out two hearts for the feet. Ever since elementary school I’ve been inefficient at cutting out hearts. One side is always larger than the other and they end up looking like two mismatched boobs – which is a sensitive topic for me. (insert awkward grabbing of my boobs here)

And finally, I’d have to paint the lightbulb poop brown. Is that an actual color or do I just ask for brown at the paint store? Additionally, where would one get a miniature hat that fits a lightbulb turkey? Is there a store for that? I hear that crazy Tuesday Morning store has everything a human being could ask for and more…

3. “Lollipop Turkey” – Crafts n’ Coffee

Ok, now how long do you think a centerpiece like this would last on our dining room table? I’d go to sleep on the first night and find my 2 year old son under the table in the morning surrounded by lollipop sticks and stuck to the floor from all the juice that leaked from his mouth.

Second, I’d have to go to a scrap booking store to get all those different papers. I have a death fear of scrap booking stores. It’s not that I have anything against folks who scrapbook, not at all. I am simply scared of a store that is so damn organized. There is not a single piece of ripped paper and every pen has the top on. It just makes me feel like I can go nuts at any moment and start inappropriately folding and bending paper. I also have a fantasy of running around the store saying, “I’m running with scissors!!!”

Last, I can’t stop thinking that the turkey is wearing a tie. Perhaps he is dressing up for the holidays or perhaps it is supposed to be his waddle. Either way – I’m impressed with his ability to show personal flair and style right before his death.

So there you have it. Three crafts that I’m not smart enough to make. I think for Thanksgiving I’m going to just try to make a little black pilgrim hat for my Play Doh snail. I mean, I’m sure snails were aboard The Mayflower, right?

The Five Types of Moms at The Children’s Museum

While at our local children’s museum this morning, I took notice of the other moms around me and quickly realized that we all fit into one of the five categories of moms. Which one are you?

1. The Cell Phone Mom: the one who never gets off her cell phone and looks confused when she looks up and can’t find her children. What she doesn’t realize is that they are already downstairs painting inappropriate images of their body parts on their face and arm.

2. The Loud Screaming Mom: the one who says “Johnny” in the loudest voice known to man. And you know that “Johnny” is in a butt load of trouble later that includes being called words that are only heard on The Jerry Springer Show.

3. The Backpack Mom: the one who is overly prepared. She’s got the wipes, sippy cups, snacks, hand sanitizer, more snacks, and probably even a change of clothes in that sack on her back. She also is now slightly humpback and probably will need a walker in about 10 years. Though, she’ll probably have orange slices in a nice clean ziploc bag hanging from her walker, in case of a snack emergency.

4. The Trashy Mom: She’s the one wearing the cut off jean shorts that show her underwear and a pink bra under her way too low white t-shirt. She’s the one who might actually be ON The Jerry Springer Show someday.

5. The Ponytail and Sweats Mom: This is me. The mom who doesn’t dress up to roll around on the ground with her children or iron things that will only get ruined when she squishes herself inside those tiny, little playhouses . She’s also the one who might not remember her last shower. And she’s definitely not wearing a pink lacy bra to a children’s museum. Damn, she barely wears one of those when she is trying to get pregnant. And once those babies are made and birthed, that bra goes to the back of the drawer where it belongs.

However, no matter what type of mom you are, if you are at a jam-packed children’s museum with your kids, we all have that same look. The look of – please, oh please, can one of those perky teenagers who work here bring me a cocktail in a sippy cup immediately…

We all need to hear these words sometimes…

I went to the Children’s Museum this morning here in town and had an experience that I will probably never forget. My son and I were in the elevator (daughter is at camp – a wonderful invention – I would like to kiss deeply the person who thought of camp). Anyway, my son and I were getting into the elevator when a woman came in looking a bit frazzled. She had a big double stroller with a boy in the front seat around 7 years old, and then 3 other children around her, slightly older.

Looking very frustrated, I couldn’t help but hear her arguing with one of the children about something that happened that embarrassed them. I didn’t hear the story details so I’m not sure what they were referring to. However, at the moment the elevator stopped, the boy in the stroller started banging his head against the front of the stroller, then against the elevator hand rail. He was yelling that he wanted to go to the play area. Yelling loudly and banging over and over again. She struggled with getting him to stop and I helped her push the stroller out of the elevator so we all could exit.

I looked at the mother, then at him, then back at the mother. She had tears in her eyes. I realized when I looked at the son that he had down syndrome. I smiled at the mother and said, “There’s just rough days being a mother, isn’t there?”

Her reply is the reason I will never forget this story.

She replied with a shaking voice and tears coming down her face, “Every day is like this for me.”

I then decided to do what goes against every fabric of my New Yorker’s body. I walked right up to this woman I have never met before and I hugged her. And she cried in my arms. Then I said that words that I think every mother needs to hear, even me.

“You are a good mother.”

I repeated this about 10 times to her. I told her that we are all doing the best we can do in life. Then, I told her that she was definitely a better mother than I was because I hardly ever brought just 2 kids to the museum, let alone 4. She laughed and I told her that I hoped she had a good day. Though, I knew the chance of that was hard for her to imagine.

My heart has been hurting for that mother ever since I walked away from her.

My hats are off to all of you with children with extra needs. I hope you all know that you are good mothers. And it’s ok to cry. Even at the children’s museum.

Inside the Blogger’s Studio: Crazed in the Kitchen

Welcome Crazed in the Kitchen –  we’re happy to have you Inside the Blogger’s Studio!  This series is a way to get to know other bloggers, while also getting a glimpse into the life of a fellow parent.  Who doesn’t love feeling like they aren’t the only ones going crazy??? This guest is a pretty special one for me because we were in the final 3 of Blogger Idol together.  She is truly one of the funniest and most honest writers around – make sure you give her some extra lovin’ – she’s worth it!

With that said, let the questions begin!

If you had to sum up your blog in two sentences, what would you say?

It’s about my everyday adventures as a novice housewife. I’m an elementary school teacher slowly adjusting to life as a stay at home mom–and blogging about it.

What thing did you do today as a parent you wish you could take back and do over?

Mornings are really hard for me, especially because my kids are like roosters—they wake up at the absolute first tiny twinkle of daylight and immediately begin to make ungodly amounts of noise. I wish I could relive this morning with a bit more patience and creativity. My boys always do better when I’m not lying on the sofa, drinking coffee through a straw and yelling, “Don’t hit your brother! Stop screaming at the cat!” On the mornings where I find the energy to play games with them and be positive, our days go much better. Most of the time, though, I give in and hand out the iPod and iPad for 20 minutes of peace (yeah, 20 minutes…I swear, that’s all…really, I mean it…).

What thing did you do today that you are happiest about?

My sons’ two best friends had their birthday parties this afternoon at the exact same time. Fortunately, the parties were just blocks apart and we were able to spend a good chunk of quality time at each party. It was kind of a pain to manage, but it brought my kids SUCH joy to get to celebrate with both of their friends. Also, I got to eat two different pieces of cake. I mean, I had to—right? To go to a birthday party and refuse cake would be downright rude, in my opinion. In fact, I’m SO polite that I went ahead and had seconds. At both parties. I may be busting out of my pants, but I am NOT rude!

What is your least favorite activity to do with your children?

It’s a tie between bath time and applying sunscreen. During bath time, they alternate between high-volume fighting and hysterical playing—both of which result in most of the bath water landing on the floor and me getting all wet. Seriously, if my husband didn’t step in I would probably only bathe them once a week. And I don’t know what it is about sunscreen that my children hate so much, but they act like I am smearing acid all over their faces when I put it on them. They twist and squirm and scream and cry until I’m done, so that most of the sunscreen ends up in their hair. Which, of course, just means they need another bath.

What is your most favorite activity to do with your children?

I love going with them to children’s museums. We have a membership to the one near us, and they enjoy it, but I especially love taking them to new ones they haven’t seen before. On our recent trip to Chicago we hit two children’s museums AND the kids’ area of the Museum of Science and Industry—they nearly lost their minds with joy. I love seeing them having so much fun and discovering new things. My 2-year-old wanted to spend all day in one museum’s kid-size grocery store, just filling up his little cart, pretending to check out, putting all the food back (ok, I did that), and then starting all over again. Geez, if *I* found grocery shopping that much fun we’d probably have more than leftover takeout pizza and Cheerios in our kitchen right now.

When your child drives you absolutely crazy and you want to scream a curse word, which word do you wish you could say?

FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK! That’s sort of one word, right? No matter, I feel better already.

What’s your favorite lie you have ever told your child?

Not long ago, in a fit of mealtime desperation, I told my boys that eating vegetables will make their feet stink and that eating meat will make their butts stink. They’ve been happily eating their veggies and meat ever since. The downside is that they are constantly thrusting body parts into my face at dinnertime, demanding that I “Smell this!!”

At what moment did you realize that you really were grown up?

Ugh. It was definitely when my husband and I decided to bite the bullet and write our wills. It wasn’t hard—we’re not millionaires—but it was one of those horribly unpleasant but utterly necessary tasks that grown-ups must do. Once we finally got it all done, we realized that we had to have witnesses who weren’t named in the wills sign them with us. So we did what any normal parents would do—during our son’s 3rd birthday party we whipped out our wills and had a few friends witness us signing them. Because nothing says “celebration of life” like “hey, here’s our wills, will you watch us sign them so everything is in order if we get hit by a bus and die tomorrow? Thanks! Want some cake?”

Blog Address: http://www.crazedinthekitchen.com

Words With Friends. Have I been living under a rock???

So for those of you who have been reading for awhile, you know that I lost my grandmother a few months ago. She lived with my family my entire life and she was like a second mother to me. One of the things we loved to do together was play Scrabble.

Every time I came home we would make some tea, take out some treats to eat, and get to a fierce game of Scrabble. Even when her health was fading, that woman still tried to get away with words like, “Mangia” and “Shamu” – she believed that since she used the words in her lifetime at one point, she should be able to use them in Scrabble. It was always a laughing fest to see what words she would try to put on the board and get away with.

When she passed, I was very sad to not only lose her, but to not be able to play that fun game with her again. I was especially sad this past Thanksgiving because it was my first holiday without her. However, I believe that she was definitely there in spirit because my uncle introduced me to the world of Words With Friends. I had seen it on Facebook and had a few friends tell me that I had to play, but I always brushed it off. However, in missing my grandmother and wishing I could play with her, I downloaded it to see what it is all about.

To my surprise, I loved it. I love that I can have different games going at the same time, and that I can laugh again at the words that my friends and family members come up with. I love when a word makes me giggle because it sounds dirty – like the word “moist” or when I think of the different inappropriate words I could put down but don’t have the guts to do. I also like that I feel that wherever my grandmother is right now – she is smiling because I’m back to playing the game.