Friday’s Surprise Guest Blogger: The Mediocre Housewife

never call you anymoreMy best friend had children almost a decade before I did. So I was a stupid, naive self-absorbed person at the time she was dealing with screaming toddlers, potty training and lack of time to properly shower. I called her one time to discuss what I’m sure was a ridiculous relationship problem, when I noticed that she wasn’t really listening. I laid a horrible guilt trip on her about feeling left out and how she needed to make me a priority. She was so kind at the time and let me believe I was justified, when of course, I was being a fool of epic proportions. I didn’t realize this though until a few months after the birth of my first child where I called her and simply said, “I’m sorry. I get it now.”  And because she’s the world’s best friend, she simply laughed and told me that she knew I would someday.

So when I read this submission for a guest post called 10 Reasons Why I Never Call You Anymore, I found myself cracking up at the memory of it all. And how unbelievably true and hilarious it is. I’m hoping that when my children go to college, I can finally call back my old roommate that I told six years ago that I would call back in a few minutes.

You have to read it. I mean, you really have to. It’s so freakin’ funny and a fantastic way to end a week of amazing guest bloggers.

To read it, click HERE.

And go give her some following love too – she deserves it! You can find her on Facebook and Twitter.

Thank you to all the hilarious writers who let me post their words this week. It was such a fun way to celebrate 6,000 Facebook followers and turning the big 4-0. What a year it already is!

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Thursday’s Surprise Guest Blogger: Elaine Ambrose

midlife cabernetThis is such a damn funny guest post today, I don’t even know how to intro it. Other than to tell you the title.

Don’t Fart During An MRI

Yeah, I kid you not. That’s the real title.

And the story lives up to it. I mean, REALLY lives up to it.

Go see for yourself. No really, go now.

It’s so freakin’ funny that I’m thinking of creating a fake injury just to fart during an MRI.

To read, click HERE.

And go give her some social media loving. Be sure you tell her I sent ya! Find her on Facebook and Twitter.


Wednesday’s Surprise Guest Blogger: The Dusty Parachute

dusty parachute logoWhen we had our first child, I left the most ridiculous “care instructions” for my in-laws who would babysit her from time to time. I remember one instruction said, “Rock her 16 times, not 15, in a semi-circle motion to the song You Are My Sunshine while turning her away from the direct light of the window.”  I found out later, of course, that they popped open a bottle of wine and let her fall asleep with them on the couch.

So when The Dusty Parachute submitted this guest blog post as part of my week-long celebration of turning 40 and hitting 6,000 Facebook followers, I literally fell off my chair laughing. It is so freakin’ funny and absolutely something every parent can relate to.

It’s called: ” Care Instructions for a 1 Year Old (Interpreted by the Grandparents)

To read it, click HERE.

And be sure to give her some love on Facebook and Twitter – let her know that you think she’s as funny as I do!



Tuesday’s Surprise Guest Blogger: Marie from Make Your Own Damn Dinner

make your own damn dinner logoIf you didn’t catch yesterday’s blog post, I’m celebrating two important things this week – hitting 6,000 followers on Facebook and turning 40! Woo hoo! To celebrate, I decided to feature a week of guest bloggers. The kicker is – no one knows  who the blogger is (EVEN THE BLOGGER) until the post goes live!

Today’s guest? It’s the awesome blogger behind the hilarious blog Make Your Own Damn Dinner. When I first saw her submission, it was the title “Dear Tampons” that caught my eye. Then when I read it, I loved it even more. Absolutely cracked up.

Give it a read, you won’t regret it.

To read, click HERE.

And hope you’ll give her some social media love too. You can find her on Facebook & Twitter – tell her I sent ya!




Monday’s Surprise Guest Blogger: Alison Tedford from Sparkly Shoes and Sweat Drops

sparkly shoes and sweat drops picI’m celebrating two important things this week – hitting 6,000 followers on Facebook and turning 40! Woo hoo! To celebrate, I decided to feature a week of guest bloggers that you have to check out. I put a call out on Facebook for writers to submit their funniest posts. The deal was that I would choose a different one for every day this week (Monday – Friday). The catch? No one would know who I chose until the post went live. It’s like finding out the ending of Gone Girl but far less disturbing and without the hunk-a-hunk of burning love Ben Affleck.

So today’s pick? Alison Tedford from Sparkly Shoes and Sweat Drops. It’s a post that I laughed my ass off reading. Okay, well my ass actually didn’t fall off my body but damn, that would have been awesome if it did.

It’s called “Thoughts I’ve Had in Zumba” – go check it out – it’ll definitely make you want to sit on the couch and watch exercise videos while eating Reeses Peanut Butter Pumpkins.

To read, click HERE.

And give her some Facebook love too – her profile picture makes my groin hurt just looking at it.


I did a bad, bad thing…

i did a bad bad thingAs I walked away from the 6th grade student that I just told off, I could almost hear Chris Isaak’s song, “She Did a Bad, Bad Thing” playing with each step I took away from the school.

Yes, I did a bad, bad thing.

Let me explain.

My 3 year-old son is currently obsessed with all things Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And with that freakish obsession comes a very deep love for his plastic Michelangelo mask.

This morning he asked to wear it to his sister’s school drop off. My instinct was to say no, but then I stopped and saw his growing excitement to wear it.

“Sure, buddy, go for it.”

As we walked up to the drop off line, a snotty little sixth grade boy said loudly, “What the heck is that mask? Some freak turtle?”

I took a deep breath and hoped my son didn’t hear and kept walking.

He continued yelling though.

“Ninja Turtles suck. Only a loser likes those stupid things.”

Okay, game on, kid. Game on.

I walk over to him and said nicely through gritted teeth, “It’s really not nice to make fun of little kids, you know that?”

He looked me straight in the eye and said, “I don’t care. It looks dumb. Why’s he wearing that stupid mask anyway?”

And then I did it. I said the bad, bad thing.

“I don’t know,” I said, “Why are you wearing yours?”

As soon as the words came out of my mouth I was horrified. I just told off a sixth grade on the school line. Given, all the kids in his class cheered and I think tried to give me high-fives, but oh no, no, it was a very low parenting moment.

I quickly looked around to see if there were adult witnesses but was relieved to find their weren’t. I quickly yelled out, “Just joking!” as the punk ass brat walked in to school but I’m sure he knew I wasn’t. I’m sure he wondered how the woman in the yoga pants and unclean hair just got away with telling him off.

And of course, through it all, my son wore his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles mask proud – completely oblivious that his mother just did a bad, bad thing.

I’m thinking that perhaps I need to invest in my own mask for pick up this afternoon…


Do I tell my children that I was married before?

telling kids about former marriageMy daughter thinks that her father and I have been together forever. That there’s no way I could have ever dated, let alone married, someone else.

But that’s not the real truth. That’s only the truth she knows at six years old.

I’m opening up in a new way over at The Washington Post’s parenting site, On Parenting today. No sarcasm, so silliness, just my raw honesty. And my sadness at the thought of someday bursting her bubble.

I hope you’ll check it out. Maybe even share it with some friends or family who could relate. It’s one of those posts that has taken me quite a way to write. To read it, click HERE.



Parenting isn’t balancing, it’s tipping the scales…

balance scaleWebster’s dictionary defines the word “balance” as a state in which different things occur in equal amounts or have an equal amount of importance

But I don’t think that’s true.

I think that “balance” is just what we tell the losing team.

It’s what we tell the person, activity or group that isn’t getting our full attention.

I think it’s absolutely impossible to truly have balance in your life.

Whether you are a parent or a person without children, something always is on the lower side of the scale.

For me, I struggle with this concept.

I like to naively believe that balance is obtainable. That both of my children can feel equally loved and given the same amount of attention. That my husband can always feel wanted and appreciated at the same time that I’m trying to reach my career goals and achieve professional self-worth.

But it’s not obtainable, is it?

One of those always falls just a bit on the lower side of the scale.

Somedays it is my husband. Somedays it is me. And somedays it is my kids.

Is it possible to hold them all up with my imaginary eight hands? No. But I still try.

And still feel guilty when I can’t.

And you can tell me not to feel guilty, but I still will.

I think that’s what no one ever tells you about parenthood. Not in books, not at baby showers, not in your pediatrician’s office that first baby visit. No one tells you that when you become a parent, you instantly feel guilty.

Something always has to give. At least until I grow those extra six arms. Seriously, can scientists get on that shit?


How My Children Ruined My Sofa – Guest Post from Melissa Lawrence

Melissa Cloud MomI haven’t had a guest blogger in quite some time and am thrilled to have a great one here today. Melissa is a lucky mom of five kiddies who are all under ten years old, and started her how-to video site when her fifth baby Marielle was born. Having been through the baby years so many times, Melissa was just dying to share all the little things she learned along the way that made her life as a mom easier. Cloudmom is full of tips for expecting moms, new moms, and moms of toddlers and kids.  From How to Change a Diaper, to How to Breastfeed, to How to Deal with Tricky In-laws, CloudMom tackles the practical issues moms face alone the way. When she’s not running her site, Melissa spends her time trying to get her children to stop fighting. 

And I had to share her hilarious post when I saw the title: How My Children Ruined My Sofa

Here it is! Enjoy! And check out Melissa’s cool site  CloudMom and on Facebook and Twitter.


Mornings are not a peaceful time in any household with kids.  In our house, when it comes to my older boys, mornings are a perennial combat zone.  We have a pretty set morning schedule mapping out when the boys get up, eat and leave for school.  Artfully crafted by yours truly (aka Colonial Control Freak), the schedule would work fine if my boys would fall into line like good little soldiers.  But despite their fondness for war-like games and activities, they don’t.  Military discipline is not their thing.

Here’s our ideal morning game-plan as it should play out if we were living in the barracks. [Take my grumpy crew, in dire need of haircuts, and insert smiling faces and slicked back hair.]

7:15 – wake up call.  Make beds and get dressed

7:20 breakfast (no complaining over the oatmeal)

7:40 brush teeth, put on shoes, and LEAVE THE HOUSE (Thank you!).

And here’s our ACTUAL average morning:

7:15 Wake up.  Groan while tossing and turning in bed.

7:20 Throw the top sheet over the bed, leave the blanket rumpled into a ball underneath the sheet.  Throw pillow at brother.  Button shirt incorrectly (when it’s only off by one button, we let it go).

7:30 Dragging feet, arrive at table frowning with bed head.  Throw oneself over table in protest over the breakfast offering.

7:31 Sitting down, the fighting begins.  “He touched me.”  “No, he touched me.”  Hands are tapping thighs and feet are poking at unsuspecting shins under the table.  Mom is on the floor trying to figure out whose limb is going for whom, her coffee cold on the kitchen counter.

7:35 Bowls of oatmeal remain untouched.

7:40 Mom starts cajoling, reminding, pleading, and finally, yelling

7:50 The bedroom, kitchen table, and hallway looking like a hurricane hit as my boys exit the apartment, taking the odd swipe at one another while they pull on their untied shoes and open backpacks.

Now, without going through the entire average morning again, let me just say that around 7:40 on a recent morning, one boy (let’s call him boy #1) decided that life was just too dreary to be tolerated, and rather than come into the kitchen, he hurled himself on my favorite sofa in the living room.

Do you have a favorite piece of furniture?  You know, the one you tell your kids NOT to sit on?  The one you might put a sheet on from time to time lest it gets a stain?  You might have some cushions on their too, decorative ones that you labored over, trying to match them with the curtains.  On an odd weekend night, you might sit on the sofa with your spouse gingerly holding a glass of wine and thinking, “life is not that bad – we’re good, right?  We’ve got nice stuff.”

Boy #1 could have picked our regular, disgusting sofa which has already absorbed sweat, spit-ups, burps, and spills of all sorts, but he did not.

No, he went for the good sofa.  And then he decided to randomly get a bloody nose.  So at 7:35, enter Mama and her favorite sofa is housing a grumpy, unfed boy who nose has bled ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I looked at him and squinted my eyes and said “really?”  “Sorry, Mom” he replied.  And he proceeded to sheepishly walk to the kitchen.  After settling himself down and steadily eating his oatmeal, while holding a Kleenex to his nose – which miraculous stopped bleeding — he got up and brushed his teeth, put on his shoes and was standing ready at the door to leave on time.  Having witnessed the entire incident, boys #2 and #3 followed suit.

So my child ruined my sofa, yet we had ultimately had the best morning of the year thus far.  Mama realized that the small messes in life don’t really matter.  And boys somehow realized that sometimes, just sometimes, you can make life easier for your Mom.

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I’m guest teaching an online writing course – come join!

writeyourway300x250Back before children and my minivan, I was actually a teacher. Yeah, weird, I know. I taught middle school English and Reading. I actually loved it. The kids made each day an insane adventure – some good, some bad, but all hormonal.

When I left, I truly missed it.

But today, I’m excited to announce I’ll be teaching again!

Not to teen-angst-filled teenagers, but rather to bloggers and writers. So in reality, it probably won’t be all that different. (just joking…maybe.)

I’m one of the guest professors for a 6-week online writing course called Write Your Way To a Better Blog, organized by the awesome ladies of The HerStories Project. There are some amazing other guest professors teaching and I’ll be teaching about how to incorporate storytelling into your blogs.

It’s all online so it works for any schedule and it’s also a great networking, as well as learning, opportunity.

As part of the class, you’ll have access to:

  • the full class platform, including several weekly lessons and discussions about each lesson and assignment
  • instructor feedback on assignments in the class platform
  • a private Facebook group for class members, instructors, and guest instructors
  • a PDF of course lessons at the end of the class

I hope you’ll check it out and consider registering. I’d love to have you join us! For more info, click HERE!


No one tells you how gross parenting is going to be…

wash-hands-98641_640When you are pregnant, you read all sorts of parenting help books. Books that talk about sleep training or how to get your newborn baby to latch on better during breastfeeding. However, no one has written a book that says all the gross things that will happen when you are a parent. Perhaps I’ll tackle that in my next book but for now, I’ll simply share the story of how this point was demonstrated recently in my life.

My daughter’s elementary school has two playgrounds. One for the younger grades and one for the older. The younger ones play on the upper playground and older on the lower. My three-year-old son and I arrived a few minutes early for dismissal and I let him play on the lower empty playground. After a few minutes, I noticed that he is starting to bend his knees in a peculiar manner.

I ran over to him and asked if he was okay.

“I need to poop,” he said, trying to clench his miniature butt cheeks together.

I quickly realized that the closest bathroom was up a huge hill which would then require me to be buzzed into the school,  get a visitors pass and then run to the bathroom.

I looked around and noticed a tree tucked behind a bush.

I had no other choice. Don’t judge.

We ran over to the tree, pulled his pants down and I held on to his hands as he squatted and began pooping.

As we held hands, I leaned slightly to my left and saw my daughter’s class go to the upper playground for an extra recess.

Sweet balls of might, please do not let her teacher look down here. 

I have no idea how hidden we actually were so I was unsure what her true range of vision was.

But then the worst part of it all hit me. I never put the wipes in my purse that morning.

Do I leave the poop under the tree? What is proper etiquette for unplanned toddler outdoor pooping?

I suddenly remembered that I had an extra pair of his underwear in my purse. I dropped his hands, ran over to the bench where my bag was and tossed out every item until I found the underwear.

I wiped the buttocks of my now crying son and began to pick up the poop with his extra pair of underwear.

“Why are you crying, sweetie?” I asked, as I desperately tried to avoid any poop touching my skin.

“I don’t want them watching me.”

“Oh sweetie, your sister’s class didn’t see you, it’s okay.”

“No, mommy, not her class. Them!”  He stood up, penis still hanging out because I got distracted by the poop and forgot to pull his pants back up and pointed in the opposite direction.

I slowly turned my head and realized that in the time we had been there, four school buses had pulled up on the street and the bus drivers were all huddled on the sidewalk, smiling and waving at us.

There is no parenting book or family expert who can prepare you for a moment like that.

So I did what I thought was the best thing to do. I pulled my son’s pants up, threw out the poop-covered underwear and doused an entire bottle of hand sanitizer over both of our hands, arms, feet, elbows and toes. Then I grabbed his hand and walked up the hill to dismissal pretending absolutely nothing had happened. When the other mothers standing next to me mentioned that they smelled poop, I pretended that I had no idea what they were talking about.

Because the real truth is those parenting help books should be one simple phrase.

Fake it.

That’s what we do as parents. We fake every single day that we have a clue what we are doing.

And we also make sure to have underwear and hand sanitizer in our purses at all times.


My Other Ex – My interview with the contributors of this new anthology

my other ex bookOne thing I love to do is support bloggers when they write books. It’s a tough transition to go from blogger to book writer so I applaud those who take the risk and put themselves out there. So when I saw that some of my favorite bloggers contributed to an awesome anthology, I reached out and asked if I feature them. Yep, it was ME who reached out. Normally authors reach out to bloggers but I loved it so much I wanted to make sure their voices were heard.

The anthology is called My Other Ex: Women’s True Stories of Losing and Leaving Friends. It’s the book about how in life we sometimes have to choose to put ourselves first and end what could be an unhealthy friendship.  At the heart of each essay is the recognition from each writer that she has lost something very real and very personal, a connection that will never be forgotten. You will hurt at their pain and smile at their triumphs. It’s definitely a book to pull at your heart strings.

I interviewed four of the contributors and played a little game with them. Hell, I still have to see the humor in things, even in serious matter! The four bloggers were Suzanne Barston from Fearless Formula Feeder, Angela Amman, Shannan Ball Younger from Mom Factually, Kristin Vanderhey Shaw from Two Cannoli and Meredith Napolitano from From Meredith to Mommy.

Hi ladies! How about you tell me how you got involved in the My Other Ex project?

MEREDITH: I heard about My Other Ex when the editors shared the idea for the project in one of my blogging groups. I knew I had stories to share, and I knew it would be a good process for me to write them down.

SHANNAN: I first found out about The HerStories Project after editor Stephanie Sprenger and I connected by writing for the same website and were both in Listen to Your Mother casts in 2013, her in Denver and me in Chicago.

What’s the one sentence you’d love your ex friend to say to you if you saw her/him on the street and she/he stopped you?

ANGELA: “I understand.”

KRISTIN: “I’m sorry that I stopped responding to you and ended our friendship so abruptly. I know it hurt you.”

What was the hardest thing about writing your story?

SUZANNE: The pain it brought up. I had sort of been in denial about the demise of our close bond, brushing it off by pretending it was about distance or business or whatever. But as I wrote, I realized just how real this division was.

MEREDITH: The hardest thing was remembering the story when I’ve spent a good portion of my adult life closing off that part of my memory. In addition, I had to wonder if these women would ever read it and I wanted to make sure I wrote a fair account of the situation, just in case I was ever confronted about it (Spoiler alert: I was).

OK, now I have to lighten the mood a bit, tell me the first thing that pops into your head when I say this word. And of course, we want to know why the heck it popped into your head!

  1. Word: PIG

SUZANNE: Needles. When I was little I went to a sleepaway farm camp and one of my duties was to help give shots to sick pigs.

  1. Word: VODKA

KRISTIN: Pumpkin martini. Yesterday, my friend Erin posted a list of all of the available pumpkin products available, and the pumpkin vodka caught my eye to make martinis at my annual pumpkin carving party.

  1. Word: LAUGH

SHANNAN: Loud.  This popped to mind because I met someone at Starbucks today for the first time, and I laughed at one point and was embarrassed by just how loud my laugh was.  Oops.

  1. Word: DINNER

ANGELA: Again? Lately, dinnertime in our house is an exercise in my most delicate negotiation techniques. I’m fairly certain I’m losing.

  1. Word: BELIEVE

MEREDITH: Journey. Don’t judge me.

Thank you so much ladies – you rock! And thank you to Jessica Smock and Stephanie Sprenger for daring to put this anthology together. It’s the risk takers that get the world talking. Hope you’ll all check it out. To find out more, go to their website or purchase on Amazon HERE.


I have to learn to accept her for who she is…

introvert girlI’m struggling.

My almost six-year-old daughter is the most beautiful soul I have ever met in a girl. She is kind, loving and wants to please everyone. I love her deeply.

But I don’t understand her.

She is so different from me.

She is shy, introverted and scared to try anything new. So scared she often seems paralyzed by fear.

I’ve spent the past years trying to pull her out of her shell. Sometimes through tough love and other times with a strong, softer touch. But in the end, she still clings to my leg and cries at the hint of independence.

This past weekend we visited close friends who moved to a new city. They have two young children as well and they watched as my daughter cried hysterically when she couldn’t do the balance bike and felt left behind by the rest of the kids, or when we asked her to reach out and play with their cousins joining us for dinner and she nervously stood behind me. They saw how uncomfortable I was and how she struggled.

And as we stood in their kitchen while our children all slept that night, my friend said a phrase that I can’t stop thinking about.

“You have to accept her for who she is.”

Funny, you hear that about such serious things like someone’s sexual orientation or career choices, but you never think about it in smaller, specific contexts. My daughter is an introvert and has a very hesitant cautious personality. I need to accept that and use a kinder approach. I need to truly know that she isn’t like me. That the things that come naturally to me might not come naturally to her. And I have to be okay with that. I’m just not sure how.

What I do know is that I would do anything to see her smile. And the idea that I might not be giving her the opportunity to do that by being too tough kills me.

So I’m going to try.

I’m going to try to put myself in her shoes more. I’m going to let her stand behind me and stop telling her to be outgoing. I’m still going to challenge her to try new things but I want to be kinder. Kinder to the fact that she has to find her own way – that my way isn’t the only way.

I’m okay with her knowing that, but my husband better not go finding out my way isn’t always the best. I’ve worked hard to pull off that illusion for the past eight years. This kid better not go screwing that up.




The inspirational typewriter in my office…

If you have been a reader of Martinis and Minivans for a while now, you probably know that I recently completed my first novel. It was an amazing process that provided a unique kind of therapy after my grandmother passed. Considering one of the main characters is a grandmother figure, she was present in every key I typed and every word I put on the page.

And when I finished it, I started querying agents. I received such amazing feedback and interest and was beginning to start the revision process for the second time when an interesting call came my way.

One of the agents whom I queried, the illustrious Jessica Sinsheimer from the Sarah Jane Freymann Literary Agency, said that she wanted to offer me representation.

But not for my novel.

She had read my freelance work and my blog and felt my voice was the right fit to pen a non-fiction narrative. That we would work on it together. Build it from the ground up.

She believed in me and what I could write.

So I sat on it for a week. I contacted some of the other interested agents, I talked my husband’s ear off until I finally realized he was secretly watching ESPN on his phone as I rattled on and on, and I spent a lot of time pacing my office while listening to that damn catchy “All About That Bass” song.

And after four days, I woke up in the middle of the night sweating. But I realized it was not from nervousness or anxiety – it was from excitement. I turned on my computer and couldn’t stop writing.

I knew what I had to do.

I called up Jessica Sinsheimer and accepted her offer.

And so now it begins.

And what is this book about, you ask?

It’s about being the girl who once told her parents that her lifetime ambition was to take lovers throughout Europe–which now, frankly, sounds exhausting–and how she eventually transformed into a mother who longed to figure out how to turn an ice cream truck into a vehicle that sells wine to fellow stressed out mothers in the middle of the afternoon. But, mostly, it’s a humor book about the challenges and hilarity of charting your own path–even when that means no longer being afraid to live in the strange, and often terrifying, foreign country called “parenthood.”

And my goal is to make people laugh their asses off. (Though, by the size of my ass these days, it obviously is only working on others and not myself.)

I hope you’ll join me on this journey. Because in the end, my goal is exactly what it was when I started this blog – to have you laughing and crying all at the same time. And to show you a different side of parenting – the ones mothers usually only talk about when they’ve had a few glasses of wine and an overnight babysitter. The side about what it means to be yourself–a woman–an individual spirit–in a culture that tries to make it all about the kids and (only when you have time) your husband.

It’s about finding your own kind of martini to drink, the one that only you know how to make, and enjoying it after a long day of carting the kids around in a minivan filled with crushed Goldfish crackers and melted fruit snacks–and knowing that, when you get home and the kids are all asleep – you are still that same girl who dreamed of taking lovers in Europe. (Only now it’s just one lover, and you’re not in Paris but rather Omaha, Nebraska, and you dream of doing it with your yoga pants on in time to watch Dancing With The Stars. Yeah.)

So wish me luck and stay tuned – the fun is just starting!


A letter to my muffin top

letter-to-muffin-topDear Muffin Top,

Don’t fret. This isn’t goodbye. I’m not writing you to tell you about a new exercise plan I’m beginning or a diet I’m starting that would cause you to wither away day by day. No, you can breathe a sigh of relief in knowing that we are together for life.

However, I’m writing to let you know that you aren’t going to be an only child anymore.

You see, sweet muffin top of mine, they are putting a Dunkin Donuts one mile from our home.

I know you are confused and can’t imagine a world where you don’t get all the attention. But the time has come for you to share the fat on this body. My thighs and ass are ready to plump up. They are ready to fill with the delicious icing that is shot into creme-puff donuts. They have been waiting their whole life to feel the weight of fried dough pulsing in their veins.

But don’t panic. I still love you. I will always love you in the unique way you love your first born. But now you must learn what it means to share. To watch as another part of the body learns how to get squished and shoved into pants. You will be a role-model to them. The thighs and ass will look to you on how to stick out properly and of course, how to be used as a shelf for holding beverages when in the sitting position.

So take a deep breath and get ready. Your world is about to change but know that you aren’t going anywhere. I’ll never abandon you.


Your donut-loving body