Mother’s Day – A mixed bag for me…

three generations of mothers

Three generations of mothers…

Mother’s day is a strange one for me. The part where my children wake me up with cards, breakfast, and a plethora of crafts that I can’t identify without my husband mouthing their meanings behind their heads – that part is awesome. However, the part where I remember that Mother’s Day was the last day I saw my grandmother alive  – not so much.

I truly love thinking about my grandmother. Most days I smile instead of frown, and I feel joy instead of pain. She lived a very long, very filled life.

But I still want more.

I still want her to be here. I want her to see my children grow up. To hear when my daughter asks questions like, “Will I ever grow a penis?” or when my son kisses my toes and asks if he can put one in his mouth. You know, the great stuff about parenting.

And I know she can’t. At least not in the physical sense.

I try not to remember that last day. The pain of walking out of her room and knowing in my soul I was never going to see her alive again. I carry that with me every day.

But I try not to keep that load too heavy. I have two little ones who need me to be excited about what they just built out of Legos or happy to see their glitter glued creations stuck to the floor.

So on Mother’s Day, I’ll smile. I’ll smile because I got to love her. She got to love my children. And together, we were mothers. That’s what it’s all about, right?

And to my own mother – you deserve the greatest thanks of all. I love you. You are the strength that binds it all together.

So happy Mother’s Day to all of you. Whether you are a mother or celebrate having one, thank you for being part of my motherhood journey.

 

14 Comments

Comments

  1. michelle says:

    Your Grandmother is so proud of you and she’s watching…. Happy Mother’s day!! xo

  2. ((HUGS)) I hope you are filled with many, many happy memories of your grandmother this Mother’s Day.

  3. I so wish I could spend Mother’s Day with my mom. She lives in another state. So do my grandmothers. So, I will snuggle my kiddos and make phone calls!

  4. So sweet. Happy Mother’s Day, Dani!

  5. This post really got to me because it is the first one without my aunt, who I was very close to. Each time my kids do something funny, or a post I write gets picked up by a bigger site, or a million other things happen I always go to call her.

    I’m so happy for you that you had such a special relationship with your grandmother, and so sad for your loss. Wishing you and your mom a very happy Mother’s day filled with great memories.

  6. Some holidays are bittersweet, indeed, but I think that makes them more authentic…more meaningful than if everything were “perfect.” Your special relationship with your grandmother lives on in the stories and traditions you pass on to your children (and that you write about in your book!). Wishing you a peaceful Mother’s Day that will hopefully include some quiet time to reflect…and, of course, a cocktail. :-)

  7. Happy Mother’s Day to you and all the other moms! :)

  8. Im sorry for your loss. I feel the same over my great grandmother not being here anymore. Have a wonderful Mother’s Day <3

  9. My Mother’s Day sadness comes from the opposite direction: my first child was stillborn, so I always have a child missing in the celebration. Any loss has its own sadness – I am sorry for yours with your Grandma. Big hugs….

  10. Sad for you and your loss. Here’s to hoping Mother’s Day gets differently better over time :)

  11. Hugs! I’m sure your grandma knows you are thinking of her. Happy Mother’s Day!

  12. I am sorry for your loss. Know that your grandma will always be with you and is a part of who you are. I lost my mom a little over a year ago — it is difficult, but I feel her presence always. I wish you a wonderful mother’s day.

  13. I’m sorry about your grandmother. This is my third mother’s day without my grandma. I do especially remember her on mother’s day and her birthday. Those days can be very tough. Some holidays are very bittersweet. I just try to remember that even though my grandma is not physically here she is still with me.

    • Actually, it is my mom, not my grandmother, who died a little over one year ago– very difficult, but you find a way to get through it. Enjoy your day!

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