It was an exciting week here in blog-land, because one of my posts was picked to be featured on Scary Mommy. She’s a blogger that is beyond hilarious and tells the “truth” behind motherhood – the good, the bad, and the foul-smelling odor you sometimes can’t identify on your shirt (check her out, she’s awesome). Anyway, I sent her my Five Inventions I Would Like to Create post from awhile back, she asked me to add some more to make it a Top 10 list. Seeing that my brain never stops thinking about this kind of crap, I happily agreed.
Here is my official Top 10 Inventions I Would Like To Create:
1. An automatic car seat strap device. All your child would have to do is climb into a seat, then a device would come and strap them in. I still haven’t figured out how it wouldn’t chop of their heads at times if they moved, so that one would probably be patent-pending.
2. A folding laundry device. I’m not talking that board that they use at The Gap. I’m talking a robot who could fold my laundry.
3. IHOP delivery. Seriously – how can we send a man on the moon but we still haven’t figured out breakfast delivery? It’s a crime.
4. Roomba for lawns. Roomba or IRobot is that vacuum that you just leave on and it vacuums the house by itself. When it hits a wall, it just turns around and keeps vacuuming. What if we created a lawn mower that could do that? When it hits a plant, it turns around. It would make for some interesting shapes in the grass though…
5. Car dispensers for children’s snacks. You know those soap/shampoo/conditioner dispensers in the shower? One of those in a car for snacks next to a kid’s car seat would be awesome. They click a button and out comes a handful of snacks. That way, I’m not digging in my purse while driving to find one last pack of fruit snacks, uhm…I mean….apple slices.
6. A magnetic chip that can be inserted under my arm skin so that my iPhone can always stay attached to my body, except when needed. I lose that damn thing about 15 times a day, yet I believe that if it was attached to me in some magnetic capacity that my number of daily losses might be under 10.
7. A device that makes my eyes appear to be looking at the television when I am really looking at previously mentioned iPhone. This is necessary when I am asked to suffer through numerous episodes of Strawberry Shortcake, or even worse, Yo Gabba Gabba.
8. Hooks that grab your coat and hat like they had in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Wouldn’t it be amazing if we lived in a house where the kids jackets were actually hung up and my doorway bench could be used for…uhmmm….what’s it supposed to be used for again??? Oh right…sitting.
9. A remote controlled girdle. There are moments when I’m talking in front of a group that I would like to shift the remote to extreme sucking in, but then when I sit down to eat cheesecake at a party, I’d like the ability to release my inner organs again and have oxygen flowing through my body. However, do not let anyone else hold the remote. I fear that device in the hands of a man.
10. Self-cleaning toilet bowls. Now before you go telling me about some device that actually does this, I’m talking about the real deal. I want a hand to come out of the toilet and scrub around the bottom of the pedestal, the place where pee seems to magically appear when living with men. I want that hand to then shake its finger at those men and ask them why they can’t for the life of them pee into one large hole without missing? They can write their entire name in urine in snow but you can’t pee in a hole the size of Texas??
12 Comments
The remote control girdle really made me laugh!! That would be awesome!!
I’m in love with the self-seat belting mechanism. It takes me an hour to get everyone seated and strapped in. It’s usually raining as I stand outside of the car, struggling to find the friggin’ seat belts that, normally, the kids are sitting on.
Congrats on the Scary Mommy success!!!
Laundry folding device all the way! I’d like to create shoe covers that you can put over your shoes to go into a public restroom and do your business without worrying someone will recognize you by your feet. Finally, we can have the pooping freedom of a preschooler once again!
Gotta get me that remote control girdle thing because this Genie Bra contraption isn’t quite cutting it like I thought it would!! And that invention that Melissa mentioned (so you can poop in public) – bazinga!!
Love the site and am now following you everywhere (but not in a weird, creepy kinda way). And awesome news about the Scary Mommy success…..just got done reading over there!!
BTW, found you on the MTM Mixer doo-hickey. I believe that’s the technical term, doo-hickey. Have a great weekend!!
Penny at Green Moms and Kids
http://greenmomsandkids.wordpress.com
I love the one in which you can look at your iPhone, but appear to be looking at the TV. Only, I’d want it for more than just the TV. Even the dinner table sometimes..I’m horrible, I know.
Not horrible at all – you might be my secret twin… I yearn for that as well!
Love the children’s dispenser comment, as well as the one about the iphone. I can really relate to both. Great writing!
Just lost my phone again about 10 min ago – some genius needs to figure this out pronto…
Yes, I would buy pretty much all of those!!!
I wish I was smart enough to figure out a way to actually make them… Damn me for not paying attention in science…
These are all too funny and too true! The funny thing is that if there’s a need, figure out a way to go make it – that’s what I did. I love reading magazines (my only me time) but I hated having to get up to quickly looking things up – check out a restaurant for a date-night, a workout video, a cute dress, or a pair of fabulous shoes. So I made a mobile app called Eye Capture and just launched it with Redbook Magazine as the tool to make their magazine shoppable.
I’ve found that most inventors are guys and they just don’t get women or moms. So we have to go out and invent these things ourselves. And who knows better what women and moms want than – women and moms!
Go get ‘um, girlfriends!
Nicely done girlfriend!!!