You read a lot of cheesy posts from bloggers on their kids’ birthdays. And I could probably write one of those, considering I do actually love my children most days. However, let’s be honest, it feels much more natural for me to be sarcastic than sweet so I really need to do what feels right at this point in my life… I’m too old to fake it all the time.
With that said, here’s the crap no one tells you about having a 2 year old boy. Happy birthday handsome, remember how much you love me when you are old enough to read this stuff…
1. They like to touch their penis as much as a 16 year-old boy. Which is probably the same amount of time as a 30 year-old boy. Which is probably the same amount of time as a 60 year-old boy.
2. They can turn anything, and I mean anything, into a weapon. Don’t believe me? Give them a tampon and watch them go to town. I once found him in the bathroom making sword noises with my Tampax tampon. I’m pretty sure it would have blown his mind if I showed him how to shoot the insert out of the top. Maybe I’ll save that for his 3rd birthday.
3. Having the diaper off causes them to recreate the scene from Old School where Will Ferrell goes running naked through the streets screaming, “We’re Going Streaking!!!!”
4. They know the difference between construction vehicles before they ever learn colors. My boy can tell which vehicles are dump trucks, skid steers, cement mixers and back hoes yet he has no idea what the words green or red means.
5. If you tell him that he has to finish eating because you are late, he will, and I repeat, will, shove the entire banana into his mouth in one fell swoop. That is definitely not a trick you want him to bring to college. Make sure the fraternity brothers of his future never know about that.
And one last one – he will seriously melt your heart in a way you never thought possible. You become a complete and utter sucker for him. Just as I have. Happy Birthday big boy – I hope I haven’t screwed you up too much these past two years….good thing we have your Dad around to take half the blame.