Things I Can’t Tell My Daughter

My five-year-old daughter thinks I’m perfect.  I can say with certainty that she is the only human being on this entire earth that thinks that.  She tells me that I’m beautiful, and that I’m the best mommy ever.  She tells me that my hair looks like Princess Belle’s and that my jokes are hilarious.  And my goal is to keep her living those myths and lies for as long as feasibly possible.

I’m not naïve. I know that once she reaches middle school those beaming glances of adoration will be replaced with disgusted eye rolling.  And one day, she’ll tell me that I don’t understand what it’s like to be a teenager, or that I was never young like her so how could I know anything about what she’s going through.  And I will smile and nod, knowing the entire time that there was a world before having her that she never knew existed.

She’ll never know that on my 16th birthday, I snuck a boy into my bedroom for the first time ever and let him make out with me, not because I liked him, but because I wanted to see what it was like to kiss a boy in my room.   Verdict:  Not so great.  I had to hug him afterwards just to wipe his sloppy saliva off of my mouth.

She’ll never know that I danced on a table for my 21st birthday after my close friends threw me a child’s birthday party at McDonalds, and then proceeded to vomit all over my boyfriend at the time, his roommate and their dog. Even after three baths, both the dog and myself still smelled of puke.

She’ll never know that in high school, my friends all snuck into Heather Yeil’s basement and watched our first porn to see what it was all about.  I snorted Sprite out of my nose from laughing so hard during the first scene.  Needless to say, since watching it, I can’t look at a pizza delivery man the same way again.

She’ll never know that I lied to my parents to go to the after prom party with a boyfriend they didn’t like.  That I thought I was ready to move past kissing, only to run away and hide for the entire evening.  Once he found me, I had to convince him that it was normal for girls to have their period numerous times a month, so we had to wait for any kind of lingering touching. I only hope that he still doesn’t believe that today. Or maybe, for his wife’s sake, I hope he does.

And she’ll never know that I will have to sit back and watch her make those same memories, mistakes, and mishaps, just like my mother had to watch me do.  And through it all, I will smile and hope that maybe, just maybe, she’ll always believe that I’m the best Mommy out there.  If not, I’m hoping she’ll always believe that I have the hair of Princess Belle…

(I originally wrote this for Blogger Idol back in 2012 and decided to re-post after my daughter told me yesterday that I had, “the world’s best hair”… I dread the day she realizes the truth.)


Job posting

I’m hiring. Desperately looking for an experienced toddler translator. You must be able to decipher meaning found between stomps and screams. Must be able to lift at least 30 lbs and be open to being peed on. Apply immediately with resume and alcohol.


Eat. Drink. Be Skinny! Is it possible?

EatDrinkBeSkinnyLogoBlackRecently, I led a webinar for Sverve called “Top 10 Mistakes Bloggers Make” – it was such a cool experience and I got to “meet” a bunch of bloggers that I had followed myself for awhile. One of those was Teresa Howes, she’s the blogger behind Eat, Drink and be Skinny and author of SkinnyTinis-All the Fun for Half the Calories. It was actually the first book ever published to feature only low calorie martinis in 2009. I think she’s the original SkinnyGirl and far cooler than Bethany!

So after chatting for a bit about all things cocktails (since we know how much I love those!), we thought it would be fun to do a little joint interview. We came up with 5 questions that we both had to answer. I’m posting her answers on my blog and she’s posting mine on hers. Check my answers out tomorrow on her blog at

1. What inspired you to start the blog?

People had told me for years I should start a blog to record all my running adventures, skinny recipes and — well, probably to give myself a place to organize my thoughts (self-disclosure: I can be a bit all over the place). When SkinnyTinis was released in paperback in 2012, I thought it was finally the right time to go for it and launch a real blog with real effort to support it. I had been signing all my books “Eat. Drink & be Skinny –Cheers!” since 2009, so it only made sense. With luck the URL was available and I jumped right to writing in cyberspace and haven’t looked back since! I love creating a space full of happy, healthy, fit and fun recipes, workouts, inspirations and stories of my adventures. It’s so much more time consuming than I would have thought. But I never feel like I’m working because I truly love the process of writing, sharing, and collaborating in the health and wellness space. I optimistically look forward to many years ahead of learning to better understanding barriers people have to a healthy and happy lifestyle and to create and provide solutions that work in the real world.

2. What is your favorite martini recipe? 

That’s like asking what’s my favorite pair of shoes — there are some many things to consider and the answer so depends on the circumstance :)

  • ​If I’m bringing a drink for an event, I almost always bring the Lean Green SkinnyTini Machine. It’s all natural, really refreshing, and you can make it in batches and serve it up or over ice. It’s always a crowd pleaser and I often swap out the gin for vodka to keep things simple. People love the fresh cucumber juice!
  • If I’m up on my rooftop patio with girlfriends — I can’t help but whip up a pitcher of this Skinny White Sangria. It’s also super easy to make and I love using real fruit in my cocktails these days to boost the phytochemical power of these concoctions.
  • If I have a sweet tooth I can’t kick and/or want a little pick me up with my boozy-tini, I love this Skinny Latte Martini. It’s rich and sweet and makes you zippy on top of tipsy, which can be a great way to kick off a fun weekend!

3. What is the key to your happiness? What triggers unhappiness for you?

I think you have to laugh at yourself and not take things too seriously. Which sounds easy on paper, right? But let me tell you, when I forget that, that is exactly what triggers unhappiness. I try not to be competitive with myself, but as a runner I can’t help it! So when I have a bad run – I get so grouchy. I’m also tough on myself with my business. If I mess up or don’t get the result I was hoping for, steer clear of me until I remember to laugh it off. As soon as I realize that absolutely nobody in the world cares as much as I do and that I’m literally creating my own unhappiness, I can come around. But it is a skill. And like any skill some days I’m better than others and it always takes practice.

4. What’s an embarrassing habit you have that would surprise people?

Well, that’s a tricky one because you have to decide what’s really appropriate to throw out into cyber space. But I think I’ll go ahead and admit that as a self-employed, CEO of my own biz, I declare the dress code. And let’s just say I’m not in the fashion business by any stretch of the term. I’m a gym rat, runner and writer. 90% of the time I’m sitting at my desk in mis-matched workout clothes or dare I confess even just some booty shorts a tank top with my hair in a bun and no make-up. For this very reason I shy away from Skype and often play dumb like I don’t know how to use it. LOL.

5. If you could walk down the street and have a song playing for your theme song, what would it be?

That song by the Cranberrries called Dreams. You know it the one that goes “Oh, my life is changing everyday,​ in every possible way.​​..” I heard it when I was in high school and it was oh-so relevant. Now it’s on my iPod and comes on often when I run. It’s equally, if not more relevant today than 20+ years ago. And I have yet to decide if that is a good thing. But at the very least, it’s an exciting life and I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing. I just have to hope that the stars align and I can pull this urban hippy lifestyle together and make enough of an impact to be granted the privilege to continue this journey.

You can find her on Facebook, Twitter, and on her blog at Eat.Drink.Be Skinny. She was also recently on the morning program, San Diego Living mixing up some fun things. You can check that out here.

And you can check out my answers on her blog tomorrow!

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Only 479 more people on Facebook then I’m going retro, folks!

So, uhm, yeah, this is really going to happen. There’s no going back now. I’ve ordered the lime green banana clip. And a few minutes ago, I got this picture sent to me by a reader.

so 80's makeup

I believe I can officially check makeup off my list now too. And yes, you can actually buy it. It’s from Manic Panic. Click on the picture and it’ll take you to their crazy fun site. I’m hoping the makeup actually makes me feel “so bold” like they promise…

So the latest update is that we have 479 people left before I’m going all retro on your asses.

To follow me on Facebook, or to send the link to your mother to follow me, and heck, even your grandmother, click here:

Let’s do this, people.

And if you need inspiration, here’s the picture I’ll be recreating.

banana clips

I’m working on getting that devious little smirk just right…

And through this all, the most fun has been seeing all the bloggers and readers that are cheering me on. The blogging community is amazing and I wanted to give more shout outs to some awesome folks. Seriously, go check them out – they ALL rock.

Life & Leopard A Boy, A Girl and the Marine Corps
Sweet and Savory Spence Mom Needs A Drink
Runaway Mama Cookie Dough and Oven Mitt
Jill’s Rants Saltwater Sessions
Slightly Off Kilter Bolton Carley
Nothin’ But Crazy Love Liv, Laugh, Love Media
Quirky Pickle Ashli’s Cookie Creations
Girl Gone Veggie Mom to Step and in between
Harley and Heels Yellow Mango Life
Healthy Notions Overstuffed Princess
Next Life, No Kids A Dish of Daily Life
The Golden Spoons Maternal Media


Thank you all – you are so amazing and truly make writing fun.

Now go to your mothers to click “like”…


You all are AWESOME! I still need your help!

So yesterday, I came up with the insane idea that I would recreate a picture I saw on Pinterest when I reached 5,000 Facebook followers. Since Zuckerberg basically hates bloggers and doesn’t want to show their content, I thought it would be fun to show him the power of bloggers and their readers.

And let me tell you. Holy crap – I’m completely blown away. We are seriously getting close to 5,000. I have about 600 more and then I’m there. Yesterday, alone, there were over 150 new followers.

You all seriously rock.

But, I still need your help. Tell your family, your friends, the old boyfriend from college that you wish you broke up with earlier, pass them along my Facebook profile and ask them to give it an old likey like. My link is

I, especially, wanted to thank the bloggers that have been spreading the word and bringing new folks my way. Since I believe we all need to work together to promote, I wanted to do a shout out to each of them. They each work so hard and are awesome –  and they all have something special about them that you should read.


Snarkfest Mom Saves Money
Bakes In Slippers Real Life Parenting
You Signed Up For What! Daftly Domestic
Creative Ramblings Absolutely Prabulous
MinettesMaze Coolest Mommy’s Coolest Things
Mommy Needs a Break Sensory Mama Saving Cents
The Mother Freakin’ Princess Madly Wish
Cluttered Genius Playdates on Friday
Oh My! Omaha LPO Beauty
Science of Parenthood Missy Homemaker
Maternalmedia Mardra Sikora
Fiberartsy I Make Myself the Queen
Full of it Eva Laflamme – The Tattoo Tourist
Not Enough Wine In The World Happily Ever Laughter
The Happy Hausfrau My Stay at Home Mama Life
Tarnished Tiara Mom Life as a Field Trip
Notes from Heidi The Lazy Mom’s Cooking Blog
Forever 51 Andilit
My Mis-Matched World


And no worries, I’ll be doing another post with any bloggers that help out after this post is published. There’s plenty of shout-out in me for everyone!

And oh yeah, here’s the picture I’m planning to recreate. I can’t even look at it without cringing….

banana clips

(Picture from Forum Novelties, Inc. at – and yes, they do really sell them. Insane, right?)

Thanks SO much! You all ROCK!



The return of the banana clip…

Earlier in the week, I posted this picture that I had found on Pinterest on my Facebook page.

banana clips


Followers on Facebook went crazy! We all agreed that banana clips should be the fashion trend that never returns again. It’s worse that off-the-shoulder shirts and MC Hammer pants. It’s even worse than scrunchies and acid wash jeans. It’s the fashion trend that made all women look like horses.

So since everyone felt so passionate about their hatred for the banana clip, I’ve decided to have some fun with it. When I reach 5,000 followers on Facebook (I’m a few hundred away),  I’m going to re-enact this picture and post it on the blog. That’s right, I’m going to figure out how the hell to crimp my hair, do this makeup and wear a banana clip – all for you guys. So if you want to see that, and heaven help you if you do, send some folks over to my Facebook page.

I’m shaking my head right now at this plan – I can’t believe I’m doing this. And I’m really not sure my hair will ever recover from it. It sure as hell won’t ever forgive me for it, I can tell you that much.

To follow me on facebook:

(Picture from Forum Novelties, Inc. at – and yes, you can actually buy the banana clip there…)



11 Hours in the Life of a Mom’s Outfit…

NickMom_badge350 (1)It’s seriously hilarious to write for Nickelodeon’s NickMom. You can be funny, sarcastic and then also have an illustrator take your words and bring them to life. I love it.

This post especially makes me laugh because I wrote it completely from personal experience. And I’m wondering if this cartoon is what I actually look like. Funny, I thought my ass was much bigger…

It’s the stages of what a mom’s outfit looks like after 11 hours. And it’s the reason that I’m waiting to buy silk or anything not made of cotton or polyester until my kids are in college.

To read, click here.

And, does my ass really look that small? Damn, I’m hot.

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My blog was on The Today Show!

the today showWoo woo! A few weeks ago, I received an email from a producer at The Today Show. He was putting together a story on moms who use alcohol as a coping mechanism and due to the name of my blog, he wanted to chat. As much as I do enjoy a good cocktail, I had to be honest with him that I wasn’t actually an alcoholic and perhaps someone who truly used alcohol to cope would be a better person to chat with.

Well, imagine my surprise when this morning my inbox, Twitter and Facebook feed was filled with messages saying, “Saw your blog on The Today Show!”

The irony was that as the show was airing, I was hiding in the kitchen closet eating chocolate chip cookies for breakfast as my children were eating yogurt and fruit. It’s so surprising that I wasn’t on the show as a Mother of the Year candidate.

Anyway, for a brief two seconds, my blog flashed on the screen as the segment began. And although the world might think I’m a raging lunatic who drinks bottles of wine every day, I don’t care. I was on The Today Show!  Woo woo!

To watch, click HERE!

(If above link doesn’t work – here you go!


A mother beat her 4 year-old son to death for acting gay.

momaha logo - compressedI did a double-take recently when reading the headlines in the newspaper. The story wasn’t about the missing plane in Malaysia or the earthquake that just hit California, no, it was a story about a mother who beat her four-year-old to death because she thought he might be gay due to the fact that he “walked and talked like one of them.”

What I wrote about this for my latest Momaha post is sure to piss off some people, I have no doubt. But, I don’t write being afraid of what people say. I have to write what the truth is to me. And this time, I had to write for the four-year-old boy that will never get a chance to do it himself.

I’m taking a break from sarcasm, taking a break from snarky. And I’m sharing some of the most important words I have ever shared.

To read my post, click here.



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How a mother imagines heaven…

heaven for momsIt’s a great day when you get to be sarcastic AND have an illustrator bring that sarcasm to life! That’s what’s happening over at Nickelodeon’s NickMom today. I’ve written a post about what my perfect heaven (as a mother) would be and the wonderful Adrienne Hedger has illustrated it perfectly!

Come read, share and comment – I’d love to hear what YOUR perfect heaven is… Does it also include Matt Damon??


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The real reason I take my kids to activities…

playing with clayWhile sitting at swim class watching my kids take lessons, I thought about why I was there and why I looked so forward to it each week. And it hit me. I was there because it was the one time a week that I could see my children but not have to hear them. It’s truly the way parenting should be.

So I thought about my kids’ other activities, and here’s why I take them to each.

Toddler music class: Yeah, yeah, I want to expose them to music and all that good development stuff. But the truth is, I want to have my kid confined to a small enclosed area that he can’t escape while I discuss the latest developments happening on my reality TV programs. And I want to do songs where someone else has to remember all the words and finger gestures.

Tumbling class: This is the place where my almost 3 year old son can tackle things other than his sister. It’s also the place where he can jump off crap without the concern of major head trauma, unlike the daily activities in our home which consist of me coming out of the bathroom and finding him jumping from the top of the bookcase onto the couch, or again, onto his sister.

Play dates: A cheap and easy way to get new toys for my kid to play with when he is sick of his own. Plus, it’s another opportunity to discuss reality television with another human being who is also attempting to ignore their child.

Community center playtime: So I can successfully never have to open a can of PlayDoh in my home.


Facebook Posts From The Week

facebook postsOk, so Zuckerberg seriously hates bloggers. He must have been dumped by one in college because he has this thing against showing our posts on Facebook. So in case you are one of the 4,000 people that don’t see my posts, here’s a little rundown of what you missed last week.

Monday: Thank you to all the overachiever parents who asked my child this morning what the leprechaun left her. The “leprechaun” then had to rush out to freakin’ Target to find some treasure under the rainbow. This “leprechaun” also found vodka.

Tuesday: I may or may not have just told my kids there’s a bedtime fairy who gives McDonalds in the morning to those who go to bed early.

Wednesday: I don’t have any scientific proof but I believe there is a direct correlation between putting underwear on a toddler and them pooping in it 5 minutes later.

Thursday: All the Frozen DVD’s should be sold with a free flask and one of those small bottles of minibar vodka. I should seriously be in marketing.

Friday: My elderly neighbor just asked me what a hashtag was and if you use it on “that Twatter thing”. Twatter is now officially my favorite word.

And by the way, I’m on Twitter too. Come follow along there – it’s where I attempt to be sarcastic in under 140 characters. I’m at @martinisandmini.


Depression: Don’t talk the talk unless you have walked the walk…

depressedYou didn’t have to be a parent to feel the pain a few weeks ago when news broke of the pregnant mother driving her minivan full of three children – ages 10, 9 and 3 – into the ocean off Daytona Beach. The internet was full of rage and anger about how the mother was such a monster and what kind of person could do something so terrible.

The answer? A clinically depressed and/or mentally ill person.

I’m talking about depression today over at Momaha and maybe we, as members of society, are dropping the ball big time.

Please read the post, pass it along, share it with friends and family, and share your thoughts about it. We need to start talking about it and we need to do it now.



I Had A Personal Reading From a Psychic Medium…

clouds compressedIt’s been a weird month, a very weird month.

Two weeks ago, I attended a ladies night at Midtown Crossing where a psychic medium was there to give five minute readings to guests. Her name is Jess Coleman and she’s a medium at Mind Body Spirit Omaha. My first impression was, “Interesting, she’s wearing pants. I thought she’d be wearing a long flowy skirt and crystals.” But she wasn’t like that image in my head. She was a normal looking girl who was even funny in her nature.

And the reading was… eerie.

She told me that she was channeling my grandmother and was very specific in the things she was channeling. Things like how I just got my hair cut and how we shared a love of Dancing With The Stars. Not the stuff I have shared here on the blog or even on social media. I left feeling a bit blown away. I felt excited to share with others what she said and was more curious than ever.

Then, a week later, I went to see Rebecca Rosen. I had gotten the tickets before the five minute reading the week before so it was just a coincidence to go to two mediums in one week. She’s a psychic medium that’s been on Dr. Phil and Rachel Ray and such. She was at a local theater filled with hundreds of people. I had my husband join me who pointed out that listening to sad, depressing death stories might be the worst date night I have ever planned. And he was right. What exhilarated me about that five minute reading from Jess was missing in the large theater reading. It felt like the medium was fishing for information and although there were occasional “Ah Ha!” moments, in general, it felt like everything was a stretch. I didn’t leave a believer and felt my excitement fading.

So I was quite curious when my mom and I were given the opportunity to get a private long reading from the first medium, Jess – the one who gave me that powerful five minute reading. We were given a chance to do a 30 minute meditation by Amy Malone, a yoga and meditation instructor at the center, prior to the reading. This was fascinating to me. I have never meditated before and can barely shut off my brain to sleep so I was curious how this was going to be.

I loved it. I found it relaxing and a great chance to just let go for a few minutes. To know that I couldn’t solve any child’s problem at that moment, or be interrupted by a phone ringing or a talking doll left on the floor, was wonderful.

And then, a few minutes after meditation, the reading with Jess began.

My mother and I entered in to the reading with absolutely no expectations. We weren’t nervous, we weren’t anxious, we were simply curious.

It started a bit rocky. She talked about things that we couldn’t find a connection to and names that meant nothing to us. She said there were many of our dead loved ones coming through (5-6 people there around her) and it could be confusing. And as the reading continued, things started to connect a bit better and at times, I found her comments eerie again. Not to the magnitude of that first quick reading, but still things she couldn’t find online or know on her own. Things like:  how I wear my grandmother’s wedding ring on my right hand and how I named my daughter after her. She told my mom how there was a family house that was important to my grandfather. All true but still at times a bit vague and general.

But throughout the reading I kept wondering if I was trying to find links because I wanted to or if they really were there. I don’t have the answer to that. I’m not sure I ever will.

So what do I believe? I believe that there are those who can tap into something in the world beyond. I believe they have taken the time to learn and develop that sense. However, I don’t think it is as specific as we wish it was.

Do I think Jess and Rebecca can connect deeper to our loved ones than most of us can? Yes. But do I think they nail all those details, unfortunately not. I have to admit, I feel the closest to my grandmother when it is just me talking to her. Just me feeling her presence around me, and just me knowing that she’s with me. Not because a medium tells me, but because I just know it for myself. Perhaps that’s just me wanting to feel that, but it doesn’t matter. I think that’s why people go to mediums, they just want to feel the love of a lost one. Luckily, I feel her love around me every day.

And that means more to me than anything a medium can tell me.



The Barbie Dream house has turned into a Frat House…

pottyMy two year-old son loves playing with Barbies. However, his older sister doesn’t particularly like the way he chooses to play with them.

This morning, while encouraging them to play together by themselves so I could cook breakfast (ie. check email, look at Facebook and possibly post on Twitter) I quickly heard a scream of terror from the second floor.

This is a usual occurrence so I chose to ignore it and go back to social media, I mean, cooking.

However, two seconds later, my daughter comes downstairs and tells me that she needs a towel fast.

“Oh geez, what for?” I ask with my eyes already rolling.

“He won’t stop spitting water into Barbie’s toilet like he’s puking!” She answers, exasperated.

“What????” I ask as I make my way upstairs. The walk I like to refer to as “Dead Mom Walking” – it’s the walk that always ends in a bad, bad situation.

And sure enough, there is my son, taking the water from his sippy cup and spitting it out into the miniature toilet in the Barbie Dream house while making a horrible gagging noise that resembles what I sounded like the first time I did a Jager shot.

“NO!” I shout. “Do not spit water from your cup into the Barbie toilet!” I yell. (A sentence I never thought I would utter)

To which my son simply says, “I’m cleaning the toilet.”

So needless to say, when my son goes to college I’m not only terrified if he joins a fraternity house, but I’m also sure he’ll need to hire a professional cleaning person who won’t try to clean the toilet with vomit.